I no longer feel at ease holding a telephone conversation. I’m afraid of being bugged. Simply discussing the news by telephone or Skype feels uncomfortable. It hits me when I say words such as ‘Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. Then I think: Oh, this will trigger the NSA computer programs in Maryland.
2nd Instalment – A fluffy Axel hums in the morning sun between crispy clean sheets patterned with blue-capped gnomes.
Wonderful, this Netherlands–Russia year: 400 years of bilateral relations. It was supposed to be a celebration but it has deteriorated into quite a disaster. Like two drunken uncles having a punch-up at your wedding. Well, the Netherlands has apologised for arresting a Russian diplomat.
‘I was easily lured by the prospect of dancing in a dirndl and sampling every wurst imaginable.’ For a moment I imagined I was reading Helen Fielding’s new book. By now, Bridget Jones is 51, exactly my age. But no, it’s Pippa Middleton writing in her column for the Daily Telegraph.
A Dutch master captured in English
In the UK parliament you aren’t allowed to call an MP a coward. In Canada, calling someone ‘a trained seal’ is frowned upon. In the Welsh Assembly it’s better not to refer to the Queen as ‘Mrs Windsor’. And in the Irish parliament using the word ‘buffoon’ seems to be considered an insult. But the Dutch parliament has no problem with MPs calling each other a ‘gormless person’.
A Celebration of Dutch & South African literature
On September 6, the Syrian national football team played a friendly match in and against Lebanon. So, the Syrian national team still plays football, even though home games take place in Tehran, courtesy of its ally Iran.
Last week the Daily Mail reported that Scotsman Jim Dunbar suffers from ‘chronic lateness’. Jim Dunbar had tried everything – even wearing a watch, for example! Still he continued to be late. It’s thought that the condition is related to ADHD. This was diagnosed at the Ninewells Hospital in Dundee after he naturally arrived twenty minutes late for his appointment.
Last week the Dutch newspapers reported that Diederik Samsom, leader of the Dutch Labour Party, one of the governing parties, is getting a divorce. The fact that one of the quality papers broke the news caused an outcry. It was, after all, a private matter. In the Netherlands you can look right into people’s living rooms as you walk down the street but people don’t report private matters.
It’s a war for the silly season. Spain is angry with the British about their actions off the coast of Gibraltar and that’s why the Spanish are making things difficult at the border. The UK is threatening to take the case to the European Court of Justice.
You know, every football club should have two gays in its first team. Wouldn’t that be wonderful: a gay striker or a gay right winger? Well, or a gay goalkeeper at least.
Short shorts are in – well, for women. Men wear Bermuda shorts. Apart from on holiday, the last time I sported Bermuda shorts in public was on the day I celebrated my First Holy Communion. Actually, that coincided with hot pants being the in thing.
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence, according to the Peter Principle. This would mean that everyone within an organisation, with the exception of the shop floor, is working above their grade. In other words: people get one promotion too many. This may immediately bring to mind your boss, but this week I came across the term in connection with the Tour de France.
Enjoy this report of the discussion in the Mitre on 30 June
‘Doug Engelbart has died.’
‘Who has died?’
‘Doug Engelbart, the inventor of the computer mouse. The man who is responsible for my mouse thumb.’
For fifty years you could phone the MOD to report UFO sightings, until 2009, when they closed the hotline. This week they released the UFO files. A Cardiff man had reported that a UFO took his dog, car and tent. A caller from Carlisle reported he had been living with an alien.
I easily break out in a sweat. Just last week I wanted to climb into a hot-air hand dryer.
This Sunday 30 June – Find out why nothing is what it seems . . .
