By Arnold Jansen op de Haar

I no longer feel at ease holding a telephone conversation. I’m afraid of being bugged. Simply discussing the news by telephone or Skype feels uncomfortable. It hits me when I say words such as ‘Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. Then I think: Oh, this will trigger the NSA computer programs in Maryland.

But sometimes, inspired by Gilles de la Tourette, I feel the urge to shout ‘bomb!’ all of a sudden.

I recently read that the NSA’s surveillance is so vast that they haven’t enough translators to deal with the information, and the Dutch department is bound to be a minor one, so I may get away scot-free.

This week Obama announced that he’s going to investigate what his security agencies are up to. This president really puts your mind at rest. What else is he not aware of? What his generals are planning? What about his Treasury Department? Is he kept in the dark about what the department of parties and celebrations has in store? I think it’s a good time to apply for a job at the NSA.

Suppose they take me on: well, when it’s quiet I’ll monitor people I would love to know more about. Take Kate Winslet, for example: it would be handy to know where she does her shopping. It’s just pure coincidence that I’m in this particular supermarket too. And what’s Kim Wilde up to nowadays? I would also love to have more information about Nigella Lawson’s visits to restaurants. The list of Lovely Mature Female Celebrities is endless.

It comes in handy, too, when placing a bet. You find out the name of the new royal baby, and before it has been announced worldwide you’re off to the bookmaker’s.

Or you find out at last what is being discussed in the European Parliament, or what will be fashion’s favourite new colour, and you will know the new number one before it hits the top of the charts.

Everyone is up in arms about tapping the conversations of heads of state, but you can’t convince me that NSA employees don’t check up on the web and telephone activities of their favourite celebrities. It’s quite a task to monitor 40,000 employees. So, for example, while taking a coffee break you find out what is the pope’s favourite dish.

As a writer you go into your characters’ minds. It’s a higher form of surveillance. The only difference is that you make up your characters’ thoughts. At the NSA they get everything for free. You can pinpoint a person at random and monitor their life. Every person’s life contains a novel, as long as you have the details.

I would home in on exceptions. This immediately suggests a title for a short story: The Man Who Only Used the Phone Once a Year. I would like to know every detail about this man.

When I’m quite up to speed at the NSA, I will, on request, update the Merkel data. ‘On Thursdays Frau Merkel cooks Eisbein mit Sauerkraut.’

But it also reminds me of the German Oscar-winning film Das Leben der Anderen, in which a Stasi employee bugs a dissident playwright. The Stasi employee decides to shield the writer.

During a telephone conversation, I think I may have referred to Obama as being a wavering type, or more precisely ‘the Jimmy Carter of the 21st century’. You remember him: Jimmy Carter, another  president and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Guantanamo hasn’t yet been closed down, the American debt limit has been raised time and again, and America’s role as the world’s law enforcement officer has been waning. And now they’re bugging the wrong people. ‘Hey guys, let’s tap Angela.’

I can simply write it down; they already know it. Let’s hope that the NSA has a conscience like that particular Stasi employee, otherwise you and I are in trouble.

© Arnold Jansen op de Haar
© Holland Park Press